I experienced a trauma this year I was NOT prepared to handle at all. Before I dive into that topic, I want you all to know this is very new to me. Not just blogging, but the whole sharing my feelings and opening up is very new to me. It is not who I am or what I am accustomed to. I grew up believing that talking about your feelings and/or crying about things was a form of weakness and a waste of time. I was taught to wipe away my tears, keep my head up, and carry on. This lesson is not necessarily wrong or bad, but it was an incomplete lesson. In my life I’ve come to learn that life is all about balance and that nothing is black and white. It is ok to cry sometimes. You have to have an outlet. I had kept things in for so long convinced I was building myself an impenetrable steel armor. However, when the worst thing that could ever happen, happened, I broke like glass.
When my dad passed away, my world shattered. His death completely broke me and I haven’t really been the same since. My dad was everything to me. April 4, 2019 will always be the worst day of my life. I got the call from my brother around 11am. I have never heard my brother cry before, so when I answered that phone call and heard his voice I knew the worst had happened. I straightened up cleared my throat, told my big brother it was going to be ok that I loved him and I was on my way. I barely made it to my bedroom before I felt the gut punch of emotions that caused me to collapse on the floor in a flood of tears. ‘My dad is dead, my dad is DEAD, MY DAD IS DEAD.’ This horrible mantra kept playing in my head over and over again. I couldn’t shake it. I took in deep slow breaths and forced myself to calm down. I wiped my tears away; I couldn’t lose it right now. My family needed me and I needed to be strong for them.
When I got there, the ambulance and the police were out front. I hugged my brother and asked him to take me to my dad. My brother had come home and found him in the backyard on his back. When I saw him lying there, all the air rushed out of me and I didn’t know if I was ever going to breathe again. His eyes were open though they no longer saw anything. He had a peaceful sort of smirk upon his face like he may have seen something pleasant. It gave me hope that his passing wasn’t painful. Due to the fact that my father was a diabetic on dialysis, the police saw no need for a coroner to collect my father’s body to perform an autopsy. I was upset for many reasons. My dad was completely fine the day before and his dialysis weekly report were all happy faces and good numbers. The hardest thing about this whole situation for me is the not knowing the how or why.
Losing a parent is something all of us will have to go through one day and some of you may already have. No matter what kind of relationship you may have had with your parent whether good or bad, their deaths will have a profound affect on you. They gave you life. They passed on a part of themselves onto you. You only exist because they existed. Our parents will always be a part of us. There is this invisible immediate bond. As children we yearn for their love and approval and that yearning stays with us long into adulthood. Now I understand for some people, this is not always the case. Some people never get to know their parents or have them in their lives. I am sorry for their situation and I pray they have met someone who became a parent-like figure to them in their lives. Everyone deserves to know happiness and love. I personally feel that the love from a parent determines the amount of self esteem a child will have in their life. Despite my parent’s divorce I had so much love from both my parents. And though I hated their separation and my split life I appreciated the support and love I got from them both.
At the end of the day there is no “right” way to grieve. You have to come to terms with everything at your own pace. It is about to be 8 months since I lost my dad and I am still in the denial stage. I keep telling myself that I’m going to see him next week and even though next week never comes I am able to get through my day. I’m not at all ready to accept it because every time I try to come face to face with the reality of the situation, I break down. As I’m typing this my tears are just spilling down my face and the screen has become blurry. I am completely aware that denial is not the healthiest stage to be in, but as I said, it helps me get through the day. My dad was my hero and my best friend. I looked up to him for everything and I learned so much from him. It is difficult to understand how the world can just keep going not knowing what an amazing human being they lost. I cannot stand the thought of my father being forgotten and as long as I breathe, I will keep his memory alive.
I want to end this blog entry with lyrics to a song I wrote for my dad. My fiancé happens to be an aspiring musician and a damn talented one at that! He lovingly helped me bring my lyrics to life and I couldn’t be more moved. I am very blessed to be with someone who loved my dad as much as I did. My fiancé and my dad were best buddies. I loved the relationship they had together. I know not having my dad walk me down the aisle to give me away is going to sting and I know not having my father daughter dance with him will crush me. However, knowing that my dad approved and loved the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with makes my heart soar and eases the pain. Thanks again for reading everyone! I hope sharing my grieving experience makes you feel less alone and from the bottom of my heart I offer my deepest condolences for the loved ones you lost.